It’s been one year and four months since the first post. Stats showed I had 58 visitors in 2020 and 44 in 2021, which was a nice surprise, as I thought no one would bother clicking through a weird domain name anyway. My sincere wish is that the page visit wasn’t a one-minute waste of anybody’s time.
A work-related sync was the reason I decided to continue with the posts. Several hours ago, I had a quarrel with my boss over a project we’ve recently discussed. I hadn’t delivered the initial testing phase of content aggregation as we planned, also had trouble communicating what I’ve been working on for the past days. My boss was furious.
It’s a recurring issue that I’ve been struggling with since high school. My instincts, aptitudes, and temperament all tilted towards the exact opposite of the social norm, thus I seem to be at odds with everything in normal life. Imagine a set of 180-degree social spectrums, and 100 being the perfect score, I lie on the exact -100 spot, without a single exception. One would expect some statistically normal distribution at least, but sadly there is none. Among some of the spectrums are, thinking, planning, executing, communicating, allocating, summarizing, delivering, presenting.
It’s been causing so many problems in my school years and the past several work years. It’s not even multiple problems but a single issue happening again and again in literally everything. I knew that. My boss was even kind enough to have also pointed that out perhaps two years ago, and had given me chances to practice in various tasks, and had given me much more tolerance than what a boss would on average extend to colleagues.
That’s why I fell in grave disappointment of myself again.
I collected my thoughts and did a summary, lousy be it. The myriad of issues (topic of another post maybe) was mine and mine only. My parents don’t have it, my friends don’t have it, my boss and superiors don’t have it, my subordinates don’t have it, my other colleagues in other BUs don’t have it, anyone in any company of any country don’t have it. It’s mine and mine only.
14 psychological therapy sessions helped, but only a little. To this point, I realized the battle is mine and mine only.
I’ve understood myself better to know that I had no actual need for a romantic relationship, a life partner, or real estate property, and that the struggle I had was only mine, although unfair and for basically no reason, no value or meaning, from the standpoint of the ultimate force/the creator (not trying to compare with the most unfortunate here, I’m fully aware I was already among the 5% most fortunate in the world, being bestowed with so much love and support growing up). I don’t want to have kids, especially girls, for I believe no girl should ever, ever, go through what I have been through. Nothing was damaging or tramatic, but the pain and agony were there, and quite real.
As I tried to get myself together again, and find a new (or old and already known but never well-executed) way to cope with overall surroundings, a quote came to mind by Christopher McCandless, as many may know, the explorer who passed away during his individual survival test in the Alaskan wilderness, “Happiness is only real when shared”. It got me thinking. Statistically speaking, I can’t really be the only one to experience all these situations, someone else might be living a similar life and may find solace in discovering me recording all my personal struggles. I’ll try to take more notes, then, from now on.
This is also for my boss, for the firm, and all the things we do. For my family, too. For friends, colleagues, my therapist. For all the people who’ve had the bad luck of making acquaintance with me in their paths forward. My parents were so unfortunate to have me as a child. I am so sorry to all of you. I want to be who I am because I can’t lie to myself. It’s like being given entirely different wirings and life forces, I had to reign my own to not hurt others.
During the desparate research to do my project better, I studied the web development 101 course made by a YouTuber. It was nicely done. I find the author’s story from a data entry operator to a professional coder quite inspiring. In addition, as Beijing Winter Oylmpics unfolds, I came across another quote by Abhinav Bindra, “It’s not every four years, it’s everyday”. For me, it would be every hour, minute and second.
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